Should I Have Sex Before Marriage?
My name is Mrs. Darlene. How old I am is none of your business. The most important thing you need to know is that I am alive. I answer these letters because many of y’all are crazy enough to write in. You have all but ignored that little voice in your head that I like to call “common sense.” Well babies, I am here to help you reunite with that voice. So keep your letters clean – or I’ll take off my good hat - and to the point and I’ll try my best to respond.
Mrs. Darlene, I believe I have met the man of my dreams. He’s a God-fearing Christian, smart, financial responsible, funny and handsome man. The problem is after 4 months of dating, he’s starting to pressure me for sex. He believes there’s no way you can totally be sure about [committing] to marriage unless you understand or experience every aspect of a relationship – including sex. I recently committed myself to abstinence one year ago when I was saved. Before the commitment I was only with 2 people so I wasn’t what you consider a loose woman.
What should I do? I do not want to lose the man of my dreams. - Alise
Alise, whether you were with 2 people or 200 let me congratulate you on you new relationship with God. What you did in the past is just that.
Your question has awesome timing as the feature book on BWW is When God Writes Your Love Story. To respond to your question, I’m going to borrow some of their concepts. As you are now a Christian woman, you need to understand you are expected to have higher standards.
Before I get started, let’s establish some hard facts. First, sex was intended for marriage. The Bible is clear on that and here is a scripture that backs that statement up:
Proverbs 5:15-17: You should be faithful to your wife, just as you take water from your own well. And don’t be like a stream from which just any woman can have a drink. Save yourself for your wife and don’t have sex with other women.
Abstinence from sex until marriage is key for building an intimate and long lasting relationship. It draws two people closer together emotionally sans the cloud of lust that sex can bring. For women especially, sex brings in an emotional aspect. It’s important to pick your mate based on spiritual and intellectual facts. Emotions are fickle and can change with the wind.
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jer. 17:9)
Now many will argue that you have to ensure the person you are dating is sexually compatible. But let’s face it Alise, as someone older and wiser it should be clear that the best sex is relational, of which trust and commitment are key emotional factors. Trust and commitment is expressed purely through the sacred act of marriage.
While he may be a good man, it seems he is not in the same place as you are spiritually. As marriage should be reserved for two whole people, perhaps he should be allowed to continue growing in this area. If you didn’t catch that, I’m suggesting that marriage is not the right step for you two at the moment.
“You cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship with Christ. If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to Christ, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a ride that has a limited run.” -Mrs. Darlene